The Giant Gurglefuss Puss

The Giant Gurglefuss Puss

I am working on a new blog post, I swear, but I just heard back from a poetry contest I had entered that I was not a prize winner. It was called the Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest and accepted all manner of absurdist, ridiculous, funny poetry. I'm really proud of my submission regardless of outcome so decided it would be by second blog. It's definitely inspired by the writing of Shel Silverstein. I hope you enjoy. And feel free to share. I laugh reading it myself if that means anything.


The Giant Gurglefuss Puss         by Layne Ihde


Jeffrey’d been searching the mountain for days

He was tired and fed up in so many ways

His canteen was dented, his backpack was wet

His spirits were down in the dumps and still yet

He held to the hopiest hope he could find

the trail to the lost old Floogenmoor Mine


See, that’s where the beast did reportedly lay

though it was all rumor, conjecture, hearsay

But Jeffrey had something that others did not

his grandpa’s old map he found under a cot

in the attic behind some old trunks and some shoes

it was taped to a cob-webby bottle of booze 


Three weeks he’d been out here with nothing to show

except for some buggy bites under his clothes

but he just kept going, was hot on the trail

just knew he could find it, he would not fail


Now what he would do when he found it, who knows?

He wasn’t a fighter if it came to blows

The creature purportedly was very large

its vision was bad, but its body a barge

but Jeffrey just needed to get behind close

to lance a butt pimple, what? That’s so gross!


For that was the thing about this odd creature

the puss from its zits was its claim-to-fame feature

Supposedly when you applied it to skin

it made you look young and it made you look thin

so every celeb and new online sensation

would pay arm and leg for said lubrication

Follywood’d love him, he’d move to LD

Los Demones, he’d heard, was the place he should be


‘Cause Jeff needed money, he had to get rich

his big student loans and huge debt he could ditch

He’d majored in Botany, flunked all the sessions

and racked up huge sums from his flugelhorn lessons


So he was committed, he slogged through the rain

He could see the goal line, to him it was plain

And as luck would have it, this would be the day

for an old wooden barricade now barred the way

He could make out a “Floo” and a “moo” on its face

He was pretty sure that this was the place

Plus, when he broke through the stale wood with his wrench

from the mouth of the old dusty shaft came a stench

Something like 5 month old pizza and feet

crossed with a barf bag left in plane seat 

Good thing he’d brought a gas mask, he was pleased

He put it on snug and descended with ease


Jeffrey wound down the dark passage real slow

He couldn’t risk banging his schnoz or his toe

or anything really that would make a loud noise

he’d end up as one of the monster’s chew toys


But after what felt like an hour he was there

it certainly looked like a door to a lair

and inside the cavernous vault he heard breathing

a kind of a gurgle-y snore and gum teething


He approached from behind its behind with much stealth

and all the while he pondered great wealth

He made sure to keep an eye on its tail

which could pound him into the wall like a nail 


It was big all right, they really weren’t kidding

The name Giant Gurglefuss was very fitting

Pink and purple all over the place

from his current spot he could not see the face

Which was fine by him, he wouldn’t complain

Get puss and get gone before he was slain


He sidled on up to a big pustule

and rummaged around to find the right tool

to pierce that sucker and get at the goo

He thought to himself, “At least it’s not poo.”


Just as he was about to dig in

he felt a warm breeze blow across his left shin

When he looked, a huge head coiled ‘round

just looking at him then making a sound


“Trying to get at my puth, that the githt?”

emerged from the humongous mouth in a lithp

“Um, er, ah, yeah,” was all Jeff could say

He was plotting to make a quick get away

“Well, you’re in luck. I’m in bit of a mood

give me your pitch, I won’t eat you for food.

Matter ‘fact if I like it, I may give you thome

and not kill you right there for touching my bum”


So Jeff laid it out, he’d no reason to lie

When he was done, he looked into its eye

And to his surprise, he saw caring there

the monster sat up then he started to share


Seems he, too, had problems with money and knowledge

He’d failed Scaring School and dropped Monster College

His friends and his parents were very disgusted

So he blew that town, he was done, it was dusted


And what he proposed almost blew Jeffrey’s mind

They would both profit, it was really most kind

He’d take some rare goo on a regular basis

and develop a salve for those Follywood faces

He’d sell it for maximum profit and then

bring half of it back to his new partner’s den

He’d also do some landscaping detail 

to keep snoopy hunters far off of their trail


The years went by and they both were rewarded

they got all their financial issues well sorted

Jeffrey had mansions and liked fancy dressin’

the Gurglefuss got a flat screen and speech lessons


The further it went, they now didn’t meet

A courier company could do it discrete

They lived their own lives and had drifted apart

but they were still friends deep down in their hearts


Then one night, Jeffrey came out from club Torch

and looked up while climbing inside his new Porsche

A pink hulking mass flew right ‘cross the sky

he knew who it was in the blink of an eye


He’d never known monster to leave his dark lair

but I guess even beasts sometimes need some fresh air

As it got closer he yelled to the night,

“Hey friend, you really do make quite a sight

There’s only one thing left that I never knew

You never did tell me your name, so please do” 

The Gurglefuss wheeled on his side to the left 

and before he lit out he yelled, “My name ith Jeeeeff!”

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